I was really organised when I found out I was pregnant and thought it would be a nice touch to write a diary. I imagined it being funny, helping other pregnant Mums and being a nice keepsake to look back on… Then the morning sickness started. Unfortunately, my writing went out of the window as just looking at a phone or laptop was making me feel dizzy and sick. So I have a little bit of my diary that I can share with you but after that you will just have to imagine me laying on the sofa and having my head over the toilet!
Today I found out I am pregnant. I had wondered why I had felt like I was still on the ferry to the Isle of Wight and why I had been gradually getting more tired. But my periods have been having so many effects on my body in the last year that I just assumed it was another PMS sign. My boobs have been hurting for over 2 weeks, my body has been swollen and I’ve been quite shivery… all just my normal pre-menstrual symptoms- lucky me eh! I had convinced myself that I wouldn’t be pregnant and as I even sat and looked at the test I waited for it to do nothing as all the others had done in the months before. Ahhhh, yes, one of those things you don’t really tell anybody, we had been trying to get pregnant. We had tried and failed for 5 months and each time I became more upset and frustrated. When we finally decided that the time was right to have another– believe me that took a very long time!– I just assumed I would fall straight away because my body had done it once and I thought it would just happen. You know what it’s like, you go out to the shop and skip down the pharmacy aisle and proudly buy the tests and convince yourself that they will say positive the first time… then it doesn’t and it continues not to over months and you just begin to feel a bit crappy really. We took 2 months off as a break, well there were two reasons really… once you’ve had one Christmas baby you don’t really fancy having two born around that time… so we took a break for my body to rest, for us to stop over thinking the situation and to prevent another Christmas baby!
So, as I held the pregnancy test today I was waiting for the moment to come for me to throw it in the bin and move on and wait for my period to finally arrive. I actually couldn’t believe my eyes when 2 lines began to appear and I assumed it was a mistake. The pregnancy line began to get darker and clearer and there it was the realisation that after 6 months I was pregnant. Of course, I went off and googled whether tests could be wrong and considered taking the second one in the pack for a little bit but as I looked at it more and more I knew it had to be right. At this point, I just wanted to shout it from the rooftops and couldn’t believe I had to wait a whole hour and a half until my husband got home for me to tell him. I could hear the clock ticking away and I was becoming more and more impatient… it took all my strength not to text my sister! But with a three-year-old at home and my ‘sea-sickness’ getting worse it was easy to sit and watch a film and be distracted from telling people.
As soon as my husband got in the door I asked him to close his eyes and hold out his hands. I placed the test in his hands and he was just as astounded as I was! We didn’t know what to say to each other. However, I did go and tell my sister! She would have spotted something was up anyway. But that got me to thinking about WHY we don’t tell anyone. When I was pregnant with Jake I was really ill in the early weeks. The sick feeling came on immediately and then I came down with tonsillitis. Being pregnant, I couldn’t take antibiotics, so I had to take a week off work and stay in bed… I suffer badly when tonsillitis hits. When I returned to work I was 6 weeks gone and felt I needed to confide in my boss because I knew I was going to struggle in the classrooms each day. She said it was fine but not to tell anyone. I wanted to because I had become so sick and tired and moody from it all and I wanted colleagues to know why I was acting differently. She insisted I didn’t and having never been in that situation before I went along with it. But what did it matter? If something went wrong with my pregnancy at least I would then have had support from others. If I had an off day and needed someone to speak to or someone to get me a snack from the food hall at least they would know why. By 12 weeks I may have been feeling fine and they would have thought I was being a moody cow for over a month! It was tough. I felt alone and isolated because what I was feeling like physically was affecting me and I hated hiding it all. The fact is, a pregnancy can have problems at any stage. I know the statistics show that you are more likely to miscarry in the first 12 weeks but it doesn’t mean that you won’t later on. The only difference is that later in your pregnancy people know and they can be there to help and support you if the worst does happen. Pregnancy is exciting and yet when you try for a baby you tend to keep it a secret and then when you find out you are finally pregnant you also have to keep it a secret. I’m not sure all this secrecy is for me and I am not sure why we are all so overly cautious when sharing what should be very exciting news. I dunno, I haven’t ever miscarried and maybe I would feel differently but I would rather have my friends and family be there for me if I ever did. I know it is each to their own and when we fell with Jake we told our closest friends and family by 8 weeks but we never announced it on social media… that was something that never appealed to me… although this one is going to be different in that respect as I am blogging and writing my diaries!
Anyway, I feel like shit just so you know and the only person I can tell this to is my laptop for now so I am going to use this opportunity to highlight what pregnancy is really like. If you are trying or are pregnant for the first time please don’t let me put you off not all pregnancies are the same and some people have no symptoms whatsoever. I am really interested to see how this one varies to the last and whether I embrace the changes happening to my body more openly than last time. So, if I work out my dates from my last period I am 5 weeks tomorrow and my approx. due date is 17th January 2018… see you soon baby!
Ok, I feel like crap. It is official I am pregnant, I took the second test, not that I needed it, this feeling of floating, being dizzy, being sea sick is all confirmation enough. Jake has pre-school on a Wednesday so at least I don’t have to entertain him all day- I just don’t think I could manage it. I work out every Wednesday and Friday morning and messaged the instructor last night to let her know and I even managed to drag my butt to the studio to do my class as usual. We lift a lot of weights and kettle bells in these classes and because my body is used to doing this I am ok to continue throughout my pregnancy which is great because I didn’t do anything in my first one and I do wonder if that contributed to my difficult labour. I got through it, felt a bit sick and dizzy and was glad to get home to the sofa… where I then sat for most of the day! Every time I got up to do something I couldn’t do it for long and had to go and lie down again. My head is just floating around on a cloud. I almost put the Brita water filter in the bin and I tried to put the milk in the cereal cupboard… time to give up for the day!
Oh god, Jake got up early, he’s demanding soft play, gymnastics, swimming, anything active and I just can’t face any of it. There is no way I am getting into a pool, I will be mortified if I vomit and they end up closing it! We decide on Alice Holt, a forest and walks, which is good because I can get some fresh air and he can run about. Everything is fine until I begin to feel sick every time I am not eating! Oh, now it is all coming flooding back to me… I went off tea last time and the only things that would stop me feeling sick were bananas, mars bars and strawberries, I had blocked those memories out! We managed until lunchtime and then I began to get really tired. Once home I just wanted to sleep but it was only 2 pm and hubby doesn’t get in until 6:30pm. Oh, it was a long afternoon.
That night my whole body goes cold and shaky and aches. I forgot how much it goes through when it first realises you are carrying something new. All I could do was
fall asleep pass out on the sofa!
Jake has pre-school again and I should have been at exercise classes but after last nights aches and pains I decided against it and took the morning to rest. I had completely forgotten the ‘rules’ of being pregnant and hadn’t remembered to buy folic acid… oops. So off I went to the shops to get decaf tea- yuck- and my tablets. I haven’t yet gone off tea so maybe this time it will be different. The decaf tasted ok during the first pregnancy but today it has just made me feel sick. I can’t even have a green tea according to Google. At least I can have chocolate still! By the afternoon I am wiped. Family popped over for a visit and it took it out of me. All I want to do is curl up and go to sleep. My boobs are sooooo painful, my belly is all swollen and I am already wishing this sicky feeling away.
It is our fifth wedding anniversary but we can’t go out to celebrate when I am so wiped so we just settle for a steak dinner and a film and then an early night.
Oh god, I am awake early. My body clock changed during my first pregnancy and I would be awake at 1am for a couple of hours towards the end. For some reason I am waking at the crack of dawn so I get up with Jake whilst hubby has a lie in. I’m feeling a little better this morning and I need to be because I have a theatre show to review. The whole day I am feeling much better, maybe I am going to get over the sickness earlier? Oh, no spoke too soon, hubby makes a dinner that I just cannot bear to look at… damn it.
I feel like I am at death’s door. I can’t get up this morning and my head is pounding, it won’t stop. Once up I manage a bit of cereal but I don’t fancy my usual morning cuppa… sad times. We go out for a dog walk but I begin to feel like I’m going vomit so I need to get back. When I was pregnant with Jake I wasn’t physically sick at all. I would retch and feel sick all day but I wasn’t actually sick… this looks like it may be the case this time too. I spend the day under my duvet feeling freezing cold, watching films and falling asleep a lot. I am a moody cow today too. I’m not gonna make excuses, I don’t care, anyone would be moody if they felt like this!
Monday means a full day at pre-school for Jake and a day of errrr rest for me again, lol. I cannot face cleaning anything and I really did think I was going to be sick when I got up this morning. My stomach hurts and I’ve been rushing to the loo several times already, great, just another perk of body changes. Bring on the bump and the movements and the nicer times please… oh but leave the heartburn out this time will ya body!
After this I did begin to vomit and this has lasted weeks. I have gone off most foods, including my favourites, plus tea. Some nights I only had bread and butter for dinner because I couldn’t bear the thought of cooked food. My poor husband never knew what to make or offer and neither of us knew what time of day I was going to be sick. One night I woke at 3:30am to throw up. This has been the hardest part and very exhausting. I tried to return to exercise but it was wiping me out for days after. I miss it so much as I get to socialise there too but I have to have a break to be able to keep going with normal day to day life.
My cravings this time around have been strawberries, curries and ice cream, plus Pepsi Max which has helped to settle my stomach. Very strange!
I’ve either had to gradually tell people or they have guessed from seeing me. I bumped into my neighbour whilst doing a shop at the supermarket and as she approached me I was becoming more hunched over the trolley and was puffing in an attempt to stop myself from throwing up right there in the aisle. She was immediately asking if I was ok and it was clear what was wrong!
Of course, one benefit of pregnancy is that I finally get boobs and these have gone up by 2 cup sizes already! I’m sure all this happened much later during my first pregnancy. Clothing has been a tough one for me as tops ride up and jeans aren’t zipping up or are and are leaving me with aches by the end of the day. I have discovered the wonders of jeggings though and am wondering why I haven’t tried them sooner!
Bit of a bump plus boobs when we visited London
My booking in appointment with the midwife all went well and it was great to be able to discuss organising a meeting to hear medically why I had the c-section the first time. The Birth Reflections meetings take place at the hospital with a consultant… I just wish I had been offered this after having Jake.
The hardest part has been feeling so ill whilst looking after a child and the exhaustion which has just stopped me from doing so much. Work had to halt for a while which meant freelance money dropped and my blog suffered for a little bit but as soon as I could get back to writing I did because I just love it so much.
starting to show
As for Jake, well not much bypasses that little lad and I am showing much earlier than I did with him so he had a question one evening when my bump looked exceptionally large:
Jake: What’s in there?… pointing at my tummy
Me: What do you think it is?
Jake: It’s a baby
Me: Do you think so?
Jake: (stops and has a think) Nah, it’s just food
Husband: Well, we will find out next week
Jake: No, it’s a dinosaur egg… no that’s silly coz then you would die
Me: So what do you think?
Jake: It’s a baby.
He leans forward and kisses my belly.
I think it’s safe to say he is going to be very happy once we confirm it to him.