As if we need to feel more Mum guilt eh… Who’d have thought that pregnancy could bring on a whole new wave of it?! Well, it can and it has for me.
The first trimester wasn’t too bad. I was being physically sick and everyone could see the toll it was taking on me. I was off so many foods, I couldn’t keep much down and I could barely stay awake. Jake had twigged that I was pregnant before we even told him and he took on a good understanding of it all. Bless him, he would check if I was ok, he would let me rest and he would offer me water all the time! I felt like crap but at least I could see he got it which did reduce my feeling of guilt.
I then had a good spell at the start of my second trimester and had more energy which helped on some days but my god the summer holidays really came at the wrong time… well, more like they felt as though they went on forever! To have to try and entertain a three-year-old seven days a week for seven weeks when your body is going through huge changes is a draining task and this was where the guilt really began to mount up.
The last time I visited soft play was at 16 weeks. I climbed up and did something to my side and had to drag my sorry fat arse back down and sit for a bit. It just so happens that as soon as I did this another child ran into him and knocked him backwards which resulted in tears which is typical as I never just sit and watch at soft play.
I struggled to find a swimming costume that was suitable and kept putting him off going but my guilt built so I went in my normal one– nice and tight. Luckily, the hubby came with us because you can’t go on water slides when pregnant… Mummy was now looking pretty boring. I also found that I spent most of my time avoiding larger, boisterous kids and protecting my bump than being able to concentrate on Jake.
Walking on certain days has become a slow and sometimes painful task. If I have to drive somewhere far and then walk around once there I will definitely need a seat quite a few times. This will lead to Jake becoming impatient and wanting me to keep going or he wants me to chase him! No chance son, not anymore!
Then there are his demands to be carried. I miss being able to lift him and hold him comfortably but he is just too big now. I have to keep explaining that I am already carrying one baby and that he’s a bit big for me now… sad times and cue Mum guilt!
Tiredness is still a killer and during the holidays I felt this more than ever by the end of the week. He just loves to be active and to be stimulated like he gets at pre-school but when all you want to do is close your eyes it’s very hard to be the best Mum you can be. It’s ok though, coz he never let my eyes close for long… thanks, bud!
Now I am into the third trimester I feel huge! I am waddling, my ankles swell after too much walking and I’ve had a couple of scares which have taken my focus. So my guilt has probably tripled by that on a normal day.
- Lack of energy has meant I haven’t been my normal fun, active self
- Pain in my pubic bone has made walking hard on some days so all I can do is sit
- I never want to go to the park… Ok so this may be me on a normal day but standing up and lifting him or chasing him have all gone out the window
- Swimming trip number 2, still can’t go on a water slide and as I was alone he had to miss out
- Definitely cannot lift him now
- I’ve been very moody and even I haven’t liked me! These hormones have a lot to answer for.
- I have used the tablet as his entertainment at home far too much
- I am constantly having to say ‘watch the bump!’ and removing him from jumping on me when all he wants to do is have some fun
- I had to leave town early because I couldn’t walk any further and he didn’t want to go home again
- I had to cancel a playdate due to a migraine
- The house has been taken over with baby items, paint, DIY jobs etc.
Thank goodness I felt a little better for half term and I managed to make up for those days where I have been a shit Mum. It wiped me out but I feel as though I made amends by putting his needs first as much as I could.
At least I can now pop my feet up, dream of having a cup of tea- yep, still makes me feel sick- and relax whilst he enjoys pre-school. Not much longer and it will all be worth it as he claps eyes on his baby brother for the first time. I knew it would be tough what with having a child already but I didn’t realise my biggest issue would be this Mum guilt.
Have you felt the same as me when pregnant again?