School Days Are Coming… And I’m not Ready

Dear son,

This week was a biggie. We found out your school place and even though the build-up has been coming for months, I wasn’t expecting to feel this way. When we viewed the schools I was excited for something new but over the weekend I had a sinking feeling begin to grow in the pit of my stomach and as soon as I scanned my eyes over that long-awaited email I felt sad.

I’m going to sound like every other parent out there and like one of those people I had come to sigh at who repeatedly told me ‘it goes by so fast’, but my god they are right. It has felt as though one moment you were screaming the house down because you wanted another feed, to be held again, because your teeth hurt and the next you were already having full-blown conversations with me, working the tablet far better than I ever could, having opinions of your own and becoming so big that each day I’m finding another item of clothing that doesn’t fit. The changes have happened in a whirlwind. You’ve gone from baby to little boy in a matter of a few years and I honestly wasn’t prepared for it.

At the time of strops and toddler traits, it felt like I was stuck in a never-ending cycle, but really, it wasn’t that long at all was it? Why did I get so annoyed all the time? Why did I waste so much time stressing over such small, insignificant things like you pulling all my sanitary towels out and throwing them across the landing or unravelling the toilet roll like the Andrex puppy or even drawing all over the walls with my mascara? I would love to watch you do all of that again and just laugh! You have always been playful yet infuriating and have loved to challenge me but that’s just you and even though I know you will go far in life, right now could you just stay as my baby, please?

When we wandered up to the school yesterday (to see how the walk would be) you didn’t notice but I was desperately holding back my tears because the reality of it all hit me… hard. I know you already go to pre-school but it’s only for 15 hours a week, I get to have you with me the rest of the time. I get to snuggle on the sofa with you and watch a film, I get to take you on spontaneous days’ out, I get to play with you and laugh with you for hours, just you and me and nobody else. And now? For the future? There will only be weekend time, there won’t be special weekday time with Mummy. I know we will have after school but how ratty are you going to be at first, eh? I mean, pre-school already wipes you out on a busy day, imagine that for 5 days in a row!

I know, I know, I’m overthinking, I’m getting carried away as I usually do (you should all be used to that by now) but this change is bigger than any of the others we’ve had to face so far. Losing the dummy? Easy (eventually) Potty training? Piece of, er, piss. Pre-school? Not as bad as I thought. I took most of those in my stride but you have been my sidekick for 4 years now. When I gave up work I didn’t really know what I was letting myself in for. I wasn’t sure how I would manage every day with a baby with little or no adult conversation but it turned out to be the best thing I ever did! I know how lucky I am to have your Daddy who is in a job where it allowed me to do this and how I am now even luckier to be able to work from home. I have appreciated all this time we’ve had together, it’s something I could never get back so I’m glad I didn’t miss it and, if I could change one thing (ok a few things), it would be to have soaked it all that little bit more, to have worried less and shrugged those annoying little things off more. If I had known what I know now I would have just held that teeny tiny baby a little longer…

Yes, I am a bit of an emotional (probably also hormonal) crazy Mum right now but I am pretty sure there are a lot of us sat at home right now dreading the thought of buying a uniform, going shoe shopping, thinking about the start of homework, the daily school runs, the school fundraisers, but most of all, the gaping hole in the home between 9 and 3 every single weekday.

I know Motherhood has made me soppy mess at times, it’s also made me a stressy pants, extremely sleep deprived and sometimes neurotic but it has given me you and your brother so, I will brush those slightly strange personality traits to one side and just remember the fact that through it all, you’re the best things to ever happen to me and I just wanted you to know that I’m gonna miss you come September but I promise I will make the holidays the best Mummy time ever!!

Your crazy Mum

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