When I imagined myself being pregnant I had visions of being in tears at every soppy advert, eating the strangest of foods and finally softening up after years of being quite a tough cookie! None of this happened. I continued to be straight-talking, non-emotionaland certainly wasn’t one to gush over new baby things or all the idealistic visions that come with it. Don’t get me wrong, I loved feeling every movement, I looked forward to the day we got to meet our new little addition, I just didn’t feel the overwhelming need to cry at every thought of it all. I still had my very sensible and logical head-on.
Once he arrived I assumed my hormones would finally kick in and I would blub my way through the birth. For those of you who have read my birth story, you will understand why this wasn’t to be the case. I dealt with each situation the way I always had done in life – the matter of fact way. The only times I did seem to become emotional was through lack of sleep and the only softness I did show was towards my baby and wanting to hold him all the time. I had certainly not become the big softy I thought would follow… not until now!
He is now almost three and I’m not quite sure what my hormones are doing but my goodness can I cry at anything slightly moving on the telly?! It could be a sad story, a happy ending, an advert about dogs not getting a home or bloody DIY SOS – they have a lot to answer for these days! Everything suddenly seems so much more real and I think having a child has brought on newly deepened feelings which I have obviously kept well and truly tucked away for most of my life. The thing is, I now have a little person who I feel I need to protect and just watching the news makes me want to protect him that little bit more. Watching others going through pain has made me realise how much I now have to lose and I am in a position where I feel that if I don’t watch the realities going on in the world I don’t have to face up to any of it – I am taking the Ostrich way out for now!
I would never have believed that I could love somebody else quite as much as I do my little guy. Even though he drives me completely barmy some days, I miss him when he’s not around. Even though he is a little wind-up merchant at the moment he just makes me laugh my head off and I never ever thought I would have a little sidekick who knows me just as well as I know him. How can one tiny person make you so exhausted, so crazy, so drained but then also be the same person to brighten up your day, make you happy and crack you up at any opportunity?
So that is it, my child has finally softened this tough bird and even though I am still trying to get to grips with my new-found emotions I am appreciating how motherhood has had such a positive effect on my life.
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