Somehow it is time for school and I know that you’re ready… but am I?
I couldn’t let this huge milestone pass without writing down how I feel about this whole new transition yet I have sat here staring at a blank screen for a while now and I just don’t know where to start.
Maybe the beginning of you?…
The whirlwind that you are. You couldn’t even come into the world in an orderly fashion now, could you?! Emergency C-section on Christmas Day– I should have realised that you would forever be keeping me on my toes! Headstrong and independent, stroppy and determined, quick to do everything… Hmmm, you may remind me of somebody… hahaha. Which explains why we clash as hard as we love.
Everybody was always quick to say how much you looked like your Dad and I guess we all assumed you would also have his temperament but as the years have passed I not only see myself more in your looks but also in your characteristics.
When you were tiny I was that “super proud” Mum of everything you did. Your first tooth, walking at 10 months, always smiling at other people, being super cheeky, working so much out so quickly, you were my biggest achievement and even though being a parent is damn hard, it is also incredibly rewarding and watching each and every development was another reward.
No going back…
When it came to me going back to work, I couldn’t do it. I was having panic attacks when I thought about leaving you and I was becoming more and more anxious in the lead-up. Being apart from you was going to be too painful but thankfully we worked something out and with a few calculations from your Dad, we came up with a way for me to stay at home to be with you. It was one of my happiest moments.
Being a parent came naturally for me in some ways and yet on the flipside, it has also been the hardest thing I have ever had to learn. You made each day completely different from the last, you have tested me, you’ve taken sleep from me (for 3 years solidly!), you’ve made me laugh so hard that I haven’t been able to breathe and you’ve been my rock when I’ve needed somebody without you even realising it.
Over the last four years I have watched you grow into a sensitive, go-getting, active, lovable, polite little boy and I honestly don’t know where the time has gone.
It only seems like the other day that I was taking you to pre-school for the first time. When I left you, you cried so much. We’d never really been apart… well we still haven’t really, have we? You may go with family for the odd day but I can count the number of nights we’ve been apart on one hand! You were so excited about trying something new but when you realised I wasn’t staying, that was that. The tears flowed and I felt terrible walking away. Fast forward several weeks and you were running in so fast that you’d forget to say goodbye and by the time the new term came you were actually crying when I came to pick you up because you wanted to stay! And so I did what was best for you and increased your hours to the full 15 you were allowed and it made you so happy.
I think the biggest changes have occurred between these pre-school years because you’ve had that chance to flourish, to make new friends, to rely on other adults and to cope without me. They did an amazing job in helping to mould you which is why I was in floods of tears during your final weeks there.
And just look at the change…
First day at pre-school in the first year and first day at pre-school in the second year
When I look back at photo’s like these I just don’t know where my baby has gone? It honestly feels as though one minute I was stressing over you not sleeping and teething and battling the terrible twos and now suddenly you are old enough to go off to school and not need me quite so much. I know it’s a cliche but I wish I had stressed less, held you that little bit longer and absorbed all that teeniness. I know we’ve done so much, I know I’m looking back through rose-tinted glasses because I am emotional but there is a huge part of me that just isn’t quite ready for this change.
And so to now…
But, you know what? You totally are ready. You’ve proved that during these holidays by needing so much more than being at home with me and a baby. You need to learn and develop further and you crave that information, I can see that. And so, I get to use that cheesy quote “If you love them, you have to let them go”. It may be a bit over dramatic just for the start of school but it really feels as though I am having to cut those strings and let you take the first steps in discovering precisely who you are. It is time for Mummy to take a step back and allow somebody else to guide you five days a week, to teach you in a way that I can’t and to help you to become the best you can be.
So, my boy, I just wanted to let you know how incredibly proud I am to be called your Mummy and that I know you are going to love every single minute of school and even though part of my heart will be breaking for the first few weeks (or months) as I adjust to not having you around so much, I will not let you see this. Instead, I will smile and wave you off and be there at the end of each day to welcome you back and to listen to all you’ve got up to (if you can ever remember what it is…)
Jakey, go and be all you can and all that you want to be,
Love you to bits